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To the more culturally myopic of us in Britain, American football appears to be rugby played by sleek mechs that break down every twelve seconds. But, as it turns out, those mechs are actually people, and some of those people have entirely too much money to spend on doing weird shit.
Take Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson. This is a man who once changed his name to match his jersey number – for almost six years. Obviously, he now appears to (as SB Nation (opens in new tab) points out) spend a lot of time calling himself “#FIFA16KING” on Twitter and then attempting to earn that moniker by insisting on local multiplayer matches, no matter where his opponents might be.
Take, for instance, @_DATBO1WOODY, resident of Miami:
Calling out @ochocinco in a Fifa match,on Xbox one, my gammer tag is IIXxWEEZYxXIIJanuary 2, 2016
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Johnson decided that not only would honour the challenge, but fly from the Bahamas to do so:
Can someone please inform @_DATBO1WOODY that I will not hesitate to come in his place of residence & whoop his ass in FIFA16…January 2, 2016
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@_DATBO1WOODY My flight is 42 minutes from the Bahamas, you will lose approximately 2 hours & 8 minutes after I send this tweet….January 2, 2016
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It’s worth pointing out that he was in such a hurry to dominate that he decided to leave his luggage behind at the airport:
Just landed in Miami, left my luggage at baggage claim headed to @_DATBO1WOODY house to beat his ass in FIFA16…January 2, 2016
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And here’s his proof that this wasn’t just posturing:
Just pulled up to @_DATBO1WOODY crib, I don’t play about FIFA16… pic.twitter.com/sd9jeddykDJanuary 2, 2016
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His prediction of 2 hours, 8 minutes until victory wasn’t quite as accurate as his prediction of a win – here’s the final score (in his favour) 3 hours and 9 minutes after he accepted the challenge:
Final score against @_DATBO1WOODY #FIFA16KING pic.twitter.com/ojjSZ2Vqd0January 2, 2016
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Fuck fossil fuels, fuck fiscal responsibility and, most of all, fuck you – Chad Johnson will not accept being called out on his FIFA skills. Which is why I want someone from Britain to call him out next – after all, he claims he’s the best player in the States. Dude needs to step up and play with the real deal:
When will people learn, I’m the best FIFA player in the states. I will show up at your house, go in your refrigerator then beat you…January 2, 2016
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