30 Terrible Pieces Of Movie Merchandise

Daniel Craig Ice Lolly

The Product: In 2009, Del Monte asked 1000 women which celebrity they’d most like to see on the end of a stick. Daniel Craig was their answer, and so the Daniel Craig lolly was born. The blueberry, pomegranate and cranberry lollies had an official ‘license to chill’. Har har.

How Much?
They were a limited edition run that was only distributed during the first week of National Ice Cream Month, 2009.

Target Market: Women who would love nothing more than to have Daniel Craig in and around their mouth.

Brokeback Mountain Belt Buckle

The Product: Ang Lee had 100 belt buckles made to be given to the cast and crew of Brokeback Mountain . Personally, we think they missed a trick by not going for a crew shirt-within-a-shirt…

How Much? There’s one going for $1,549.99 on eBay (opens in new tab) . Bargain.

Target Market: Erm, the cast and crew of Brokeback Mountain ?

Star Wars Popsicle Kit

The Product: This is kind of awesome, but sadly it serves as a tragic reminder that you’ll never actually own a real lightsaber. Includes two Luke and two Vader hilts to make your very own lightsaber ice pops that light up at the push of a button!

How Much? $34.99 over at ThinkGeek

Target Market: Jedi warriors in need of a refreshing frozen treat.

Matrix Reloaded Phone

The Product: The Samsung SPH-N270 was brought out in 2003. It looked like hell and was obsolete as soon as it came out. It didn’t have Bluetooth and couldn’t play video or MP3s; it didn’t even have a camera. Neo wouldn’t approve.

How Much? $500 dollars on release. It was limited to 10,000 units and is no longer for sale.

Target Market:
People who prefer clunky aesthetics to basic functionality.

Jar Jar Binks Tongue Lolly

The Product: How do you get people to like one of the most hated sci-fi characters of all time? Make him into the world’s most inappropriate children’s lolly. Obviously.

How Much? These suckers are no longer available. Thank God.

Target Market: The masses of people who would love the opportunity to French kiss Jar Jar’s big Gungan lips.

The Meat

The Product: Not as dodgy as it sounds but twice as ridiculous, Jakks Pacific categorized this miniaturised version of the meat Rocky used as a punching bag as an ‘action figure’. Someone needs firing.

How Much?
$69.99 from ToyWiz

Target Market:
People interested in recreating key scenes from the Rocky series with accurate miniatures. Lots of people then.

McDonald’s Clone Wars Wind-Up

The Product: Before the fanboy roars of outrage, we know this isn’t ‘technically’ film merch, but the link is there. Regardless, since when did an All Terrain Armoured Transport have a big, ugly Storm Trooper head slapped on top of it?

How Much? Well, it was given away with Happy Meals at McDonald’s, but they’re available on eBay (opens in new tab) for a few pounds.

Target Market: Children who hold their breath until their parents take them to McDonald’s, all for food they’ll only eat half of and a toy they’ll never even play with.

Bellas Engagement Ring

The Product: Feel closer than ever to the fictional Edward Cullen by wearing a ridiculously expensive replica of the ring he gave to his fictional girlfriend in the unreasonably popular Twilight series. At least the gold is real, right?

How Much? The genuine one is a staggering $1,979 from Infinite Jewelry.

Target Market: Men who can only persuade their partners to marry them by pretending they’re a sparkly pale-face that lives in Forks.

The Shining Dress

The Product: Because nothing says “Here’s Johnny!” like having Jack Nicholson’s murderous grin stretched across your stomach.

How Much? Black Milk sold it for $100 a while back, but they decided to stop making it. God knows why.

Target Market: Attractive girls looking to deflect unwanted attention by scaring off would-be admirers with Nicholson’s psychotic fizzog.

Womens R2-D2 Swimsuit

The Product: An effective way of making all the geeks at the leisure centre blush uncontrollably, it’s hard to decide whether this is terrible merch or incredibly cool. Put a hot model in it and it’s essentially geek porn.

How Much?
Another Black Milk product, it was sold for $85 until just recently.

Target Market:
Fangirls who’ve not yet found the droid they’re looking for.

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